Thundergoat

Many moons ago a simple little email appeared on my computer screen. It seems that Biggles Bytes had some extra time on his hands and decided to present me with a four paragraph ditty about a goat and a little boy. After reading this email I was struck by it's simplicity and humour and thought that it could make a great story if expanded. So it was.Possible titles for this tale were given as "Juan and the Magical Goat Poo", "Like Garbage for Chocolate", "Saving Juan Valdez", "Thundergoat",and "Casacrappa". "Thundergoat" proved to be the winner. So sit back and enjoy this delightful little tale about a young boy and his goat.

Little Juan and his goat.

It was a warm day. The sun had reached it’s high point in the sky and cast very small shadows. In the shantytown off the edge of Mexico City, the inhabitants went about their daily business. Scraping a meager amount of food together, the people were very poor and found themselves on many nights going hungry. This is where little Juan Valdes lives. An ever-so-cute huge-eyed brown-haired little boy with quite a vivid imagination.

His family lived in a tiny shack made up of old cardboard boxes and torn garbage bags. In an ironic twisted way, although they were poverty stricken, they lived among the best in brand names as each box was labeled with various major corporation names. The Gap, Nike, Levis to name a few. This and the fact that all around them were enormous mounds of garbage, they still had to live. But it was this garbage that they scavenged through that allowed them to survive and obtain their meager income. It was also this garbage that would save them.

Little Juan was walking around his little shack when he heard a small noise coming from a pile of smelly bags of food waste. Peering closer Juan saw a tiny hoof and it was moving. Pulling on it he was surprised to uncover a small goat covered in trash. He had never had a pet before in fact he had never known his family owning any animal before. His family would be most surprised.

Taking the little goat into his home he was greeted by the gaze of his family, all 22 of them. Aunts, uncles, cousins and such all stared at the little goat, then back at little Juan. Then back again at the little goat as it let out a small baahh noise. Not to be outdone, Juan’s uncle Carlo let forth his own trumpet call. The shack quickly cleared.

"Did you steal this goat little Juan?’ spoke his father.

"No sir, I found him in the garbage out back of the shack. Can I keep him?"

"I don’t know, we could use the money if we sell him or use him as a family feast" his father thought out loud. "I can’t see how we could possibly feed him if it stays."

"It could eat the garbage" exclaimed Juan quickly. "I would care for him every day and maybe we could have some of it’s milk to drink."

By the look on his son’s face, Papa Valdes could not bring himself to sell this goat. "Okay Juan, just remember that it eats only the garbage that we can’t eat or re-sell."

Overjoyed little Juan hugged his father’s leg and hurried the goat outside.

The goat took to little Juan as he in-turn took to the goat. Inseparable were the two of them. Where ever Juan went the goat was to follow. Juan would occasionally pick various pieces of garbage and feed them to the goat and hungrily it would consume the item.

Days past and Juan was a little worried that something was wrong with the goat. It would eat everything he gave it but never had Juan seen it do its business, so to speak. Now mind you in a garbage dump this sort of action could easily be over looked but it wasn’t natural. To constantly eat and eat but never take a dump is just not healthy.

"Why don’t he poop father?" little Juan asked one night after an enjoyable dinner of refried everything.

"I don’t know Juan" answered Papa Valdes. "I don’t think he is sick and he sure looks healthy. He is getter larger in the belly everyday."

Juan nodded in agreement but knew in his heart that something was wrong.

As he lay in bed that night with the little goat by his side he started to softly rub the goat’s tummy. A soft caressing in a circular motion all the while talking to the animal.
Drifting off to sleep he finally stopped caressing and gave the goat’s tiny tail one gentle playful pull.

"For good luck fella" he whispered before succumbing to sleep.

The next morning Juan awoke to the rise of the early sun’s light. Each morning was the best time to scavenge through the garbage for food and re-sellable goods. The sun had not warmed up the garbage so the stink was at the lowest point. Juan turned over to pet the goat and was surprised to see a brown lump of goat dung lying on the floor behind the goat.

"You pooped little goat" exclaimed Juan, "I’m so happy for you"

The goat only gave his usual baahh sound.

As Juan was picking up the goat dung a glint of silver from the dung caught his eye. Pulling on it he quickly realized that it was a silver dollar. Wiping it off on his shirt he quickly noticed another and another mixed within the goat dung. After fumbling through the pile he was left with not only a stinky mess but 7 silver dollars.

"Mama, Mama, look what I found" he quickly shouted out.

Mama Valdes looked over from where she was diapering her youngest child.

"What do you have Juan?" she questioned.

"Silver dollars. I have 7 silver dollars" little Juan showed as he scampered up to her. "See look," and he lifted his hand holding all seven shiny coins.

"Where did you get these?" she wondered. Picking them from his out stretched hand she looked them over.

"I was sleeping and the little goat was sleeping and when I woke up this morning he had pooped and these were in the poop." She dropped the coins.

"Are you telling me you found these coins in that goat’s poop." Mama asked him sternly.

"Yes all seven of them."

"You know what your father said about letting that goat eat anything valuable. If he finds out that you let it eat these coins from the garbage he will be quite upset."

"But I didn’t mama, I only fed him cans and other little bits of garbage. I was very careful."

"Well you will have to be even more careful. That goat ate those coins when you were not looking and you promised that would not happen", Mama Valdes sternly stated.

"I promise mama it won’t happen again."

Later that day little Juan was running about the garbage with the goat in tow when he came upon some funny looking green boards. Each board had many little electronic pieces and parts on it. The goat saw them and started to munch away. Juan was distracted and didn’t see the goat eating until it was too late. Grabbing the goat he quickly stopped it but not before the goat had devoured three and a half full boards. This goat was a fast eater.

Later that evening Juan, lying in bed, caressed the goat as he had done the night before and ended it with a final tug on the little tail.

In the morning Juan was again awakened to the site of a fresh new pile of goat dung lying beside his bed. This time Juan noticed that it contained some silver coins as before but also it contained three gold coins. Not wanting to be scolded again by his mama he hid the coins under his bed in the dirt. The remaining pile of goat dung was unceremoniously removed outside.

Days past and each night Juan would perform his little rub and each morning he would wake up to a new pile of dung containing valuables.

After 11 days of this Juan was sure he had himself a magical goat. He knew he never let the little goat eat anything valuable but he wanted to try something.

Taking the goat deep into the garbage dump Juan let the goat eat anything it wanted. Juan followed the goat around all morning watching it eat and get bigger. Finally in a remote spot of the garbage dump away from suspicious eyes Juan started rubbing the goat’s tummy. Then after only 5 minutes he stopped and pulled it’s tail.

Then he waited.

In what seemed like a real long time but was only 10 minutes, the goat started to shiver and shake. Then it circled around itself 3 times and finally squatted and opened it mouth to make a noise. No noise came from its mouth but Juan was presented with a fresh steaming pile of goat dung for his efforts.

Juan looked at the pile and noticed that it contained silver and gold coins and a watch and a necklace. Happily he grabbed the items and cleaned them off as best he could. Looking up he noticed the goat was back to eating garbage again and didn’t really care about Juan’s excitement.

Stuffing the valuables into his pocket he follows the goat some more and after letting him eat a large quantity of garbage he again performs the rub and the tail pull. Again little Juan is rewarded with a fresh pile of goat dung containing valuable surprises.

Hurrying home with the goat in tow, he wanted to tell his whole family how wonderful his goat’s asshole was.

At dinner that night Juan waits until the family has finished eating. Then he grabs a bag that he was hiding containing all the coins and valuable he had gathered these last days.

"Mama, Papa I have something to show you." Juan said as he lifted the bag onto the table.
Pouring out all the coins on the table a hush fell over the whole family as the coins made that wonderful clinking sound. Then the family rushed out and started grabbing for the coins.

Laughing they looked over the coins and passed them between themselves. A few even bit down on them to see if they were real.

"Mama, do you remember when I brought you those coins before?" Juan asked. His mama nodded. "Well these are more from the goat’s dung that I found."

With that the family all stopped their coin fondling and bid a hasty retreat from the table. The coins again dropped to that familiar clinking sound.

"What is this nonsense?" Papa Valdes asked. "Mama what is little Juan saying?"

"Well dear it seams that Juan’s goat ate some garbage and it contained some coins and then when it pooped Juan found them" Mama stated.

"No Mama, the goat never ate any coins" Juan said. "All I fed the little goat was garbage like Papa told me to. Then at night I would lay down and caress the goat’s tummy and pull it’s tail and in the morning there would be a new pile of goat dung with the coins in it."

"I’ll have no fibbing around here" yelled Papa.

"No its true Papa" Juan quickly said. "Just watch."

With that Juan went and retrieved the goat. After feeding the goat some tin cans, a few bones and a scrap of banana peel, Juan started to caress the goat’s tummy. Then looking at his family he pulled gently on the tail. Again 10 minutes later the goat went into its pooping routine and rewarded the family with a nice pile of fresh new dung. Juan went and picked it up and showed it to his father.

"Look, see, there are coins in the dung" Juan exclaimed.

Papa Valdes looked closer and was as shocked as the rest of the family. Before him lay in the outstretched hands of little Juan was a new fresh pile of goat dung containing silver coins, three pearls and lapel pin. He knew his family would never have to go hungry again so long as this goat pooped treasures.

But Papa Valdes also knew that if others found out about the goat then it might get difficult in hiding it. Others might want to abscond the tiny goat for their own greed.

"I want everyone to promise not to tell anybody else about the tiny goat" he spoke to the family.

"Not a soul outside this house must know what this goat can do."

The family all nodded in agreement. This was their family secret. Plus who would believe them.

As the days passed the little goat had become a little larger and larger, and his craps also had become bigger and bigger. Now they could be found steaming with watches, silver cutlery, precious stones and larger valuables. The family patiently followed the little goat around the dump, cautiously waiting for all to be clear and then activating his poop mechanism and collecting the goods.

Then one early morning Juan awoke to a funny noise coming from the goat’s pen. Papa had decided that it would be best that the goat had its own pen instead of sleeping and pooping right beside little Juan’s bed all the time. So little Juan got up and went over to the pen.

There before him lay the little goat on it’s side with a pained expression on it’s face. Never before had Juan witnessed such an anguished look and quickly went and woke up his papa.
"Come quick, come quick" shouted Juan as he shook his papa awake. "The little goat looks sick."

Papa Valdes quickly jumped out of his bed and rushes to the goat’s pen. Not exactly sure of what to he could do, he was worried that the goat had eaten too much and someone had forgotten to rub his tummy and pull it’s tail. So he does.

After 10 minutes the goat opens its mouth and lets out only a dry gust of methane wind. The rest of the family soon awoke.

All through the day the family tried to figure out what could be wrong. They tried feeding it more food only to find that the goat would get even bigger. They even tried feeding it more liquids but nothing would come out of it’s magical rectum.

Then Momma Valdes fed the goat some people food, nice tangy burritos instead of the usual garbage the goat was so used to eating. A little rub and a tug of the tail followed. After 10 minutes and small rumble was heard in the goat’s tummy. Excited the family stood back awaiting the anus to spew forth its bounty but they were rewarded with a few little toots of winds and a couple of pellets of poop. Inside the pellets the family found beautiful looking diamonds. Although they were still mystified by the goat’s condition, they were happy that it had begun to produce its wonderful anal treasures again.

By the next day the goat’s condition had not changed and Papa Valdes came home with some bad news.

"It looks like the diamonds the little goat spewed forth yesterday were not real diamonds. Something called cubic zirconia’s and are practically worthless."

They were back to where they had been before.

Now true all the valuables the little goat had produced so far should have been enough to allow the family to move out of the dump and into a nice house. It just wouldn’t have been enough for them to last there. They needed some more.

It was a long two weeks of worrying for the family. The little goat continued to eat garbage without showing any signs of slowing. The little goat continued to grow in size but nothing would come out of its little rectum.

Papa Valdes had to calm down the family on several occasions. Most recently Uncle Carlos tried to get the family to at least carve up the beast and eat him. Uncle Carlos was not liked very much. He, like the goat, ate too much, grew large and rewarded all with little toots of foul air. But he was family.

After a month of trying everything the family had used up all the money the little goat had produced and were back to where it all started, poor, penniless and living in a pile of garbage. But little Juan would not give up hope. Everyday he would attend to his chores and then spend the rest of his time comforting the goat.

All seemed lost for Juan and his family. No longer was the goat called little. It had ballooned to almost 7 times it’s original size and even lying on its side it was taller than Juan. Everyday it continued to eat and blow wind but nothing more.

A few days later Juan was wondering through the dump when he came upon a ripped bag of newly deposited garbage. Hunting through the garbage Juan found some nice pieces of leftover food that he was sure the goat would like. Grabbing what he could he made his way back home. Between the pained facial expressions of something that hadn’t pooped in a month and those of a content animal, Juan could make out the goat was happy to see him.

Juan fed him the food but the goat only swallowed and lay there.

In one of the bags Juan had grabbed was half a spoonful of coffee granules. He thought that this would make a nice surprise for his Papa when he got home from work. Juan always knew how much his Papa enjoyed his coffee and recently there had been none to enjoy.

Warming up the water was always a chore but Juan knew that it took awhile so he started right away. Carefully he measured the coffee grains into his father’s favorite cup and waited for the water to boil. He was expecting his father to arrive in the next hour or so and thought that if Papa smelt the coffee when he got home he would be happy.

Juan waited as the water got hotter and hotter. Then when all was right he carefully poured the water into the cup and stirred the grains around and let it sit.

After a few minutes the smell of coffee started to waft through the little shack. Juan liked the smell and wandered over to the goat to wait for his Papa. Then Juan noticed the goat was sniffing madly. With it’s nostrils flaring it made great big sniffs as if in search of a mysterious smell.

"What do you smell?" Juan asked the goat. "Is there something you want?"

The goat only continued sniffing madly.

Juan thought about it and went over and grabbed his Papa’s cup full of fresh coffee. As he brought it closer to the goat, the animal increased its sniffing considerably. Juan stood over the animal or at least beside it due to its size with the cup within the goat’s possible reach.

Just then Papa Valdes came home. Lifting his head he smelt the coffee and smiled.

"That smells like coffee" he exclaimed. "When did we get some coffee?"

Juan was just about to answer him when his Papa looked over and saw Juan standing holding his cup.

The goat saw the cup.

Papa saw the goat.

Juan heard the goat, but it was too late to react.

Juan looked down as the goat reached out with its mouth in what could only be described as supernatural and engulfed the cup, coffee and all.

Papa Valdes lunged for the goat, "NOOOOO!!"

Juan was too shocked to move. Just thankful the goat didn’t eat his fingers as well.

Lifting it’s head the goat drained the cup of coffee and then in a surprising move, spat the cup out. Picking up the cup, Juan handed it over to his Papa.

They both looked at the cup and then at the goat as it lay its head of the ground with what best could be described as a smile of contentment. Juan looked on worried as a tear slowly formed in the goat’s eye and slid down its dirty cheek. Making only a little whimper the goat gently closed its eyelids.

"Is this the end?" thought Juan as he looks first at the goat and then his Papa.

Moving over to the goat Juan kneeled and cradles the goat’s head in his lap. Papa Valdes placed his hand on Juan’s shoulder.

"Try not to cry Juan" Papa said in a comforting voice. "You were able to spend a lot of time with it while it was here. Remember the joy it brought you and not the sorrow of it’s passing."

Tears formed in Juan’s eyes and he gently pet the goat’s neck. "Bye little goat" he said as he kissed it once on its head. Juan’s eyes filled with water as he slowly laid the goat’s head on the ground. Getting up he hugged his Papa and they stood there together as the rest of the family slowly arrived on the scene. Together the remembered the happiness that they felt when the little goat pooped and the joy it’s crap brought them.

Then… Juan heard a low rumbling. At first it sounded like it is far away, like a distant train getting closer, only it seemed to be close already.

Looking around the shack the family all wondered where the sound was coming from when Juan’s younger sisters points and shouts, "look, look at the little goat!"

Juan quickly turned his head and looked at the goat. It’s tummy was quivering like a big mound of jello. The goat then lifted his head and opens it’s mouth, but no sound came out. The family all took a step back and the rumbling continued to get louder. Small pieces of the shack fell off the wall and the ground vibrated making standing all the more difficult. Juan stared at the goat as it’s tummy continued its vibrating and rolling motion.

Juan’s eyeballs got as big as saucepans and as he looked closer at the goat he noticed its anus was quivering like a Chihuahua in a snow storm.

Suddenly with the sound of a mighty thunder, the goat’s rectum erupts and burst forth with its magical bounty. With a force never witnessed before it spewed forth an incredible mixture of goat poop and precious valuable. Blowing a hole in the shack, up into the sky it flew, like an expensive Old Faithful. The family stood there in awe as the goat continued its mighty poop.
As they stood there mostly in shock, gold candlesticks and silver coins rained down around them. Awakened out of their hypnotized state they all quickly scurried about collecting the wonderful bounty. Rubies, pearls, real diamonds landed all about like stinky little gifts from heaven. But the goat wasn’t finished just yet. A great whoosh sound filled the shack as the goat pushed forth a TV, then a stereo, a VCR, a DVD player and other electronic devices. More squishy sounds continued to emanate from the goat’s anus as wonderful fur coats, leather jackets and even sports equipment shot out and into the sky.

The goat followed this with a mighty bellow and his "Baaaaaaaahhhhhhaaaaaahhhh" could be heard for miles around.

As the family quickly gathered up the valuables the goat continued his magnificent anal gastro-firework display. It was a good thing many family members were on hand to collect the stuff as the noise had brought others towards the shack.

Then just as it had begun, it finished and the last silver dollar popped out of the goat’s tired o-ring.

The family continued to grab the stuff as it rained down around them. Thankfully the stench of the poop held off anyone wanting to get in on their new riches. The family having already become used to the smell thought nothing of it. They were just glad to finally have the valuables again.

Little Juan had made his way over to the goat and was relieved to see it had almost reverted back to its original size. Still lying on its side it now looked like a normal goat only one with a real big smile of contentment and relief.

With their new riches, Juan and his family moved out of the garbage dump and into a beautiful house in the hills of Columbia where they take up the art of coffee growing.

The goat has fully recovered from its constipation and lives on a healthy diet of real food now. Occasionally it eats some garbage but is only able to shoot out small trinkets and other little valuables now and then.

Juan and his family didn’t mind as their lives had become one where picking up goat poop all the time was a thing of the past. Juan was especially happy as he was also tired of cleaning up all the crap and now he could have a nice pet goat, a clean place to live and a future to look forward to.

The End