The Story of Thomas, Sue and the Armadillo Too

And now we have a guest writer. Well the story is from Biggles Bytes but the names have been changed to protect the innocent.


The pair came out of the store and looked for a cab. After all, there was no point in walking if they didn't have to, right?

Not soon enough a blue-spotted vehicle pulled alongside them and screeched to a halt. The door flew open and the pair realizing their good fortune, jumped in. No sooner had the door shut when the driver floored the gas. As the pair peeled themselves from the back window they laid their eyes on the driver. It was a middle aged Asian fellow named Hung Lo, who ironically, was not. As he drove, the weary pair dozed. When they finally awoke they found themselves in the desert where they really didn't want to be. But there was no convincing Hung Lo to turn back. It's not that he didn't want to go back but his leg was cramped up and he couldn't pry it from the pedal.

Then, in the distance the pair noticed a bus traveling along a parallel road heading their way. They jumped out of the taxi in a flashy Hollywood stuntman style and rolled to a dusty stop just inches from a spiny armadillo and his good friend the chameleon. The armadillo congratulated them on their fine gymnastic abilities but the chameleon, much like a Russian judge, was less then impressed. (But then he figures everything after Nadia Comeneci is crap). Thomas kicked the chameleon in the butt and there was a generous round of applause. The chameleon turning a bright shade of red with embarrassment, found himself in conflict with the yellow sand beneath his feet, the dark black road of asphalt and the clear blue sky, promptly exploded in a symphony of colour. Again there was a generous round of applause. Now the bus was fast approaching so the pair gathered themselves together. Sue and the spiny armadillo had quickly bonded so she felt she just had to bring him along. So they were three.

They ran out into the middle of the road to get the bus drivers attention. The bus wasn't slowing down so they waved their arms and jumped up and down. Still, the bus didn't slow. It was almost upon them. In a moment of quick thinking Thomas grabbed the spiny armadillo and threw him under the wheels. Hey, it was Sue who had bonded with him, not Thomas. Luckily due to many years of intense ultra-violet rays from the sun, the spiny armadillo's shell was strong enough to survive being run over by a bus. Unluckily, the bus couldn't survive running over a spiny armadillo and it's axel broke. It tipped over, threw the driver out, rolled about thirteen times, give or take a roll, and exploded in a large ball of flames. "Whoops!", thought Thomas, "that's not what I planned". Now they were back to walking.

As they headed off down the road the armadillo with its new tread-mark tattoo caught up with Thomas and bit him in the ass. Caught a little off guard, Thomas tried to swat the armadillo as you would swat a fly. Actually as Thomas found out, armadillos don't have large teeth so it didn't hurt all that much. Then they all stood around and had a good laugh. Thomas, Sue and the armadillo too.

They continued walking and walking and walking.

Just when they were getting real tired they came across a young man. He had a bag full of money and a fruit punch slurpee. He was wearing a diaphanous blue nightie over a Calgary Flames hockey jersey and some jockey underwear, topping it off with a cowboy hat and some cowboy boots. He offered to share the money but not the slurpee. Go figure. Sue and Thomas had a feeling this guy was a crook of some sort so they would have nothing to do with him. They just kept walking. The armadillo didn’t like him either and stuck its tongue out to emphasize the point.

Soon they came across another man carrying another bag of money and a hero sandwich. He was only wearing a candy red speedo, a football helmet three sizes too big and steel-toed work boots. Not wanting to stop and talk to him, they continued without making too much eye-contact. Again the armadillo emphasized his opinion. They continued on their way until they heard the sound of water faintly in the distance. They were hot and tired at this point so they decided to seek out the water. They left the road, crossed some rough terrain for a few minutes and then they saw it. A lovely babbling brook surrounded by strips of lush green grass and delicate orchids. They quickly ran to the shore with yelps of glee and bathed themselves in its tranquil coolness.

Hours passed as they lay by the shore nibbling on the peanuts they had found in their pockets. When their supply was exhausted their hunger beckoned again and they began to eye the armadillo in less than friendly ways. He nervously backed up towards the water as they hungrily approached. As Sue lunged with a gleam in her eye the poor armadillo launched himself backwards into the brook. Foiled, Sue and Thomas looked at each other for a moment then realized what they had to do. They dived in and started swimming after him.

Sue, being an ex-Olympian and former navy seal, had trouble keeping up with the fluid spiny armadillo, but the armadillo had snagged a lost and bewildered sea urchin and was being slowed down. Thomas, on the other hand, caught an incredible wave and was sitting on top of the world. This exciting chase was soon over though as the meandering brook turned into a subterranean river rushing through geologic formations millions of years old. Phew!

Suddenly they were all caught up in the foaming whitewater, dodging rocks as they flew down the smooth walled chambers. Thomas got hit on the head by a really low stalagmite and ended up doing a lot of face scraping on the bottom of the river. Sue had managed to latch on to a steelhead trout who through no fault of his own had a gift for navigation and she came through with flying colours. The spiny armadillo by this point had become real close to the sea urchin and agreed to make it legal as soon as possible. By the time they came out the other side Thomas was no longer wearing a beard, Sue was full of water and no longer hungry, and the spiny armadillo had found true love.

So now it was the four of them, Thomas and Sue, the armadillo and the sea urchin, and they still had to get home. They dried themselves off and hiked up a small embankment where they found that they were actually downtown of a major city. It seems that the underground river was a conduit for the city's water supply. Don't ask how the fish and the sea urchin got there, just be content in knowing that the water you drink has been tested for all forms of bacteria and is still safe to drink.

They began to walk down the street, Sue and Thomas hand in hand, and the spiny armadillo and the sea urchin quill to quill. It was here that Sue noticed a beautiful dress hanging in the store window of a department store and stopped to look. It was very expensive but she really liked it and it was on sale. She grabbed Thomas by the neck and choked him until he agreed to get the dress for her. When she released her grip he was thankful but perplexed because he had no money on him.

While he thought of some way to get out of it he heard some yells coming from the vicinity of a manhole cover. They all rushed to the cover and using the strength of the armadillo’s spiny back, pried it open. There they saw the two men they had seen earlier looking up at them. Although the pair had lost the food they had been carrying or ate it, they still had the bags of money. Just then a light bulb went over Thomas's head. Where it came from is anybody's guess but they figured it came from a passing G.E. truck that had hit a pot-hole in the road. They looked back at the men who were now scrambling up the ladder. They were sopping wet and in a foul mood but still dressed in a style known only to them. When they got to the top Thomas got an idea.

He offered the two guys the armadillo and the sea urchin for the bags of money. The men looked at him like he was crazy. The armadillo and the sea urchin looked at him like he was crazy and Sue looked back at the dress. Then without a moments hesitation they passed him the bags, scooped up the spiny armadillo and the sea urchin and took off running as fast as they could. As they ran Sue and Thomas could hear them laugh about what a deal they just made. Apparently the men knew something that Sue and Thomas didn't. Either that or they were colossally stupid. The fact that one of them wore a Calgary Flames jersey made them go with the latter.

Sue and Thomas looked at each other, looked at the bags of money, looked at each other and then headed towards the store. Quickly retracing his steps Thomas came back and picked up the bags of money and re-joined Sue at the store. It took only a moment for Sue to get the dress, pay for it with most of the money, insult the clerk for her shoddy attitude and head for the door. The pair came out of the store and looked for a cab. After all, there was no point in walking if they didn't have to, right?

Hope you enjoyed this lovely slice of life story, soon to be published by HarperCollins this spring in a collection of short stories titled

"You Got It Backwards, Nurse. I Said Prick That Boil !!"

For other books by the same author:
"Bite Me, I'm English" ,
"Eat Your Greens And Die" ,
"Fight Your Way To Better Hair"
“Mosquito: The Love Story”

And the best seller: "Jonah And The Incredibly Large Bagel"