The Story of Thomas, Sue and the Armadillo Too
And now we have a guest writer. Well the story is from Biggles Bytes but the names have been changed to protect the innocent.
The pair came out of the store and looked for a cab. After all, there was no point in walking if they didn't have to, right?
Not soon enough a blue-spotted vehicle pulled alongside them and screeched to a halt. The door flew open and the pair realizing their good fortune, jumped in. No sooner had the door shut when the driver floored the gas. As the pair peeled themselves from the back window they laid their eyes on the driver. It was a middle aged Asian fellow named Hung Lo, who ironically, was not. As he drove, the weary pair dozed. When they finally awoke they found themselves in the desert where they really didn't want to be. But there was no convincing Hung Lo to turn back. It's not that he didn't want to go back but his leg was cramped up and he couldn't pry it from the pedal.
Then, in the distance the pair noticed a bus traveling along a parallel road heading their way. They jumped out of the taxi in a flashy Hollywood stuntman style and rolled to a dusty stop just inches from a spiny armadillo and his good friend the chameleon. The armadillo congratulated them on their fine gymnastic abilities but the chameleon, much like a Russian judge, was less then impressed. (But then he figures everything after Nadia Comeneci is crap). Thomas kicked the chameleon in the butt and there was a generous round of applause. The chameleon turning a bright shade of red with embarrassment, found himself in conflict with the yellow sand beneath his feet, the dark black road of asphalt and the clear blue sky, promptly exploded in a symphony of colour. Again there was a generous round of applause. Now the bus was fast approaching so the pair gathered themselves together. Sue and the spiny armadillo had quickly bonded so she felt she just had to bring him along. So they were three.
They ran out into the middle of the road to get the bus drivers attention. The bus wasn't slowing down so they waved their arms and jumped up and down. Still, the bus didn't slow. It was almost upon them. In a moment of quick thinking Thomas grabbed the spiny armadillo and threw him under the wheels. Hey, it was Sue who had bonded with him, not Thomas. Luckily due to many years of intense ultra-violet rays from the sun, the spiny armadillo's shell was strong enough to survive being run over by a bus. Unluckily, the bus couldn't survive running over a spiny armadillo and it's axel broke. It tipped over, threw the driver out, rolled about thirteen times, give or take a roll, and exploded in a large ball of flames. "Whoops!", thought Thomas, "that's not what I planned". Now they were back to walking.
As they headed off down the road the armadillo with its new tread-mark tattoo caught up with Thomas and bit him in the ass. Caught a little off guard, Thomas tried to swat the armadillo as you would swat a fly. Actually as Thomas found out, armadillos don't have large teeth so it didn't hurt all that much. Then they all stood around and had a good laugh. Thomas, Sue and the armadillo too.
They continued walking and walking and walking.
Just when they were getting real tired they came across a young man. He had a bag full of money and a fruit punch slurpee. He was wearing a diaphanous blue nightie over a Calgary Flames hockey jersey and some jockey underwear, topping it off with a cowboy hat and some cowboy boots. He offered to share the money but not the slurpee. Go figure. Sue and Thomas had a feeling this guy was a crook of some sort so they would have nothing to do with him. They just kept walking. The armadillo didn’t like him either and stuck its tongue out to emphasize the point.
Soon they came across another man carrying another bag of money and a hero sandwich. He was only wearing a candy red speedo, a football helmet three sizes too big and steel-toed work boots. Not wanting to stop and talk to him, they continued without making too much eye-contact. Again the armadillo emphasized his opinion. They continued on their way until they heard the sound of water faintly in the distance. They were hot and tired at this point so they decided to seek out the water. They left the road, crossed some rough terrain for a few minutes and then they saw it. A lovely babbling brook surrounded by strips of lush green grass and delicate orchids. They quickly ran to the shore with yelps of glee and bathed themselves in its tranquil coolness.
Hours passed as they lay by the shore nibbling on the peanuts they had found in their pockets. When their supply was exhausted their hunger beckoned again and they began to eye the armadillo in less than friendly ways. He nervously backed up towards the water as they hungrily approached. As Sue lunged with a gleam in her eye the poor armadillo launched himself backwards into the brook. Foiled, Sue and Thomas looked at each other for a moment then realized what they had to do. They dived in and started swimming after him.
Sue, being an ex-Olympian and former navy seal, had trouble keeping up with the fluid spiny armadillo, but the armadillo had snagged a lost and bewildered sea urchin and was being slowed down. Thomas, on the other hand, caught an incredible wave and was sitting on top of the world. This exciting chase was soon over though as the meandering brook turned into a subterranean river rushing through geologic formations millions of years old. Phew!
Suddenly they were all caught up in the foaming whitewater, dodging rocks as they flew down the smooth walled chambers. Thomas got hit on the head by a really low stalagmite and ended up doing a lot of face scraping on the bottom of the river. Sue had managed to latch on to a steelhead trout who through no fault of his own had a gift for navigation and she came through with flying colours. The spiny armadillo by this point had become real close to the sea urchin and agreed to make it legal as soon as possible. By the time they came out the other side Thomas was no longer wearing a beard, Sue was full of water and no longer hungry, and the spiny armadillo had found true love.
So now it was the four of them, Thomas and Sue, the armadillo and the sea urchin, and they still had to get home. They dried themselves off and hiked up a small embankment where they found that they were actually downtown of a major city. It seems that the underground river was a conduit for the city's water supply. Don't ask how the fish and the sea urchin got there, just be content in knowing that the water you drink has been tested for all forms of bacteria and is still safe to drink.
They began to walk down the street, Sue and Thomas hand in hand, and the spiny armadillo and the sea urchin quill to quill. It was here that Sue noticed a beautiful dress hanging in the store window of a department store and stopped to look. It was very expensive but she really liked it and it was on sale. She grabbed Thomas by the neck and choked him until he agreed to get the dress for her. When she released her grip he was thankful but perplexed because he had no money on him.
While he thought of some way to get out of it he heard some yells coming from the vicinity of a manhole cover. They all rushed to the cover and using the strength of the armadillo’s spiny back, pried it open. There they saw the two men they had seen earlier looking up at them. Although the pair had lost the food they had been carrying or ate it, they still had the bags of money. Just then a light bulb went over Thomas's head. Where it came from is anybody's guess but they figured it came from a passing G.E. truck that had hit a pot-hole in the road. They looked back at the men who were now scrambling up the ladder. They were sopping wet and in a foul mood but still dressed in a style known only to them. When they got to the top Thomas got an idea.
He offered the two guys the armadillo and the sea urchin for the bags of money. The men looked at him like he was crazy. The armadillo and the sea urchin looked at him like he was crazy and Sue looked back at the dress. Then without a moments hesitation they passed him the bags, scooped up the spiny armadillo and the sea urchin and took off running as fast as they could. As they ran Sue and Thomas could hear them laugh about what a deal they just made. Apparently the men knew something that Sue and Thomas didn't. Either that or they were colossally stupid. The fact that one of them wore a Calgary Flames jersey made them go with the latter.
Sue and Thomas looked at each other, looked at the bags of money, looked at each other and then headed towards the store. Quickly retracing his steps Thomas came back and picked up the bags of money and re-joined Sue at the store. It took only a moment for Sue to get the dress, pay for it with most of the money, insult the clerk for her shoddy attitude and head for the door. The pair came out of the store and looked for a cab. After all, there was no point in walking if they didn't have to, right?
Hope you enjoyed this lovely slice of life story, soon to be published by HarperCollins this spring in a collection of short stories titled
"You Got It Backwards, Nurse. I Said Prick That Boil !!"
For other books by the same author:
"Bite Me, I'm English" ,
"Eat Your Greens And Die" ,
"Fight Your Way To Better Hair"
“Mosquito: The Love Story”
And the best seller: "Jonah And The Incredibly Large Bagel"
Saturday, July 29, 2006
Friday, July 28, 2006
Thundergoat
Many moons ago a simple little email appeared on my computer screen. It seems that Biggles Bytes had some extra time on his hands and decided to present me with a four paragraph ditty about a goat and a little boy. After reading this email I was struck by it's simplicity and humour and thought that it could make a great story if expanded. So it was.Possible titles for this tale were given as "Juan and the Magical Goat Poo", "Like Garbage for Chocolate", "Saving Juan Valdez", "Thundergoat",and "Casacrappa". "Thundergoat" proved to be the winner. So sit back and enjoy this delightful little tale about a young boy and his goat.
Little Juan and his goat.
It was a warm day. The sun had reached it’s high point in the sky and cast very small shadows. In the shantytown off the edge of Mexico City, the inhabitants went about their daily business. Scraping a meager amount of food together, the people were very poor and found themselves on many nights going hungry. This is where little Juan Valdes lives. An ever-so-cute huge-eyed brown-haired little boy with quite a vivid imagination.
His family lived in a tiny shack made up of old cardboard boxes and torn garbage bags. In an ironic twisted way, although they were poverty stricken, they lived among the best in brand names as each box was labeled with various major corporation names. The Gap, Nike, Levis to name a few. This and the fact that all around them were enormous mounds of garbage, they still had to live. But it was this garbage that they scavenged through that allowed them to survive and obtain their meager income. It was also this garbage that would save them.
Little Juan was walking around his little shack when he heard a small noise coming from a pile of smelly bags of food waste. Peering closer Juan saw a tiny hoof and it was moving. Pulling on it he was surprised to uncover a small goat covered in trash. He had never had a pet before in fact he had never known his family owning any animal before. His family would be most surprised.
Taking the little goat into his home he was greeted by the gaze of his family, all 22 of them. Aunts, uncles, cousins and such all stared at the little goat, then back at little Juan. Then back again at the little goat as it let out a small baahh noise. Not to be outdone, Juan’s uncle Carlo let forth his own trumpet call. The shack quickly cleared.
"Did you steal this goat little Juan?’ spoke his father.
"No sir, I found him in the garbage out back of the shack. Can I keep him?"
"I don’t know, we could use the money if we sell him or use him as a family feast" his father thought out loud. "I can’t see how we could possibly feed him if it stays."
"It could eat the garbage" exclaimed Juan quickly. "I would care for him every day and maybe we could have some of it’s milk to drink."
By the look on his son’s face, Papa Valdes could not bring himself to sell this goat. "Okay Juan, just remember that it eats only the garbage that we can’t eat or re-sell."
Overjoyed little Juan hugged his father’s leg and hurried the goat outside.
The goat took to little Juan as he in-turn took to the goat. Inseparable were the two of them. Where ever Juan went the goat was to follow. Juan would occasionally pick various pieces of garbage and feed them to the goat and hungrily it would consume the item.
Days past and Juan was a little worried that something was wrong with the goat. It would eat everything he gave it but never had Juan seen it do its business, so to speak. Now mind you in a garbage dump this sort of action could easily be over looked but it wasn’t natural. To constantly eat and eat but never take a dump is just not healthy.
"Why don’t he poop father?" little Juan asked one night after an enjoyable dinner of refried everything.
"I don’t know Juan" answered Papa Valdes. "I don’t think he is sick and he sure looks healthy. He is getter larger in the belly everyday."
Juan nodded in agreement but knew in his heart that something was wrong.
As he lay in bed that night with the little goat by his side he started to softly rub the goat’s tummy. A soft caressing in a circular motion all the while talking to the animal.
Drifting off to sleep he finally stopped caressing and gave the goat’s tiny tail one gentle playful pull.
"For good luck fella" he whispered before succumbing to sleep.
The next morning Juan awoke to the rise of the early sun’s light. Each morning was the best time to scavenge through the garbage for food and re-sellable goods. The sun had not warmed up the garbage so the stink was at the lowest point. Juan turned over to pet the goat and was surprised to see a brown lump of goat dung lying on the floor behind the goat.
"You pooped little goat" exclaimed Juan, "I’m so happy for you"
The goat only gave his usual baahh sound.
As Juan was picking up the goat dung a glint of silver from the dung caught his eye. Pulling on it he quickly realized that it was a silver dollar. Wiping it off on his shirt he quickly noticed another and another mixed within the goat dung. After fumbling through the pile he was left with not only a stinky mess but 7 silver dollars.
"Mama, Mama, look what I found" he quickly shouted out.
Mama Valdes looked over from where she was diapering her youngest child.
"What do you have Juan?" she questioned.
"Silver dollars. I have 7 silver dollars" little Juan showed as he scampered up to her. "See look," and he lifted his hand holding all seven shiny coins.
"Where did you get these?" she wondered. Picking them from his out stretched hand she looked them over.
"I was sleeping and the little goat was sleeping and when I woke up this morning he had pooped and these were in the poop." She dropped the coins.
"Are you telling me you found these coins in that goat’s poop." Mama asked him sternly.
"Yes all seven of them."
"You know what your father said about letting that goat eat anything valuable. If he finds out that you let it eat these coins from the garbage he will be quite upset."
"But I didn’t mama, I only fed him cans and other little bits of garbage. I was very careful."
"Well you will have to be even more careful. That goat ate those coins when you were not looking and you promised that would not happen", Mama Valdes sternly stated.
"I promise mama it won’t happen again."
Later that day little Juan was running about the garbage with the goat in tow when he came upon some funny looking green boards. Each board had many little electronic pieces and parts on it. The goat saw them and started to munch away. Juan was distracted and didn’t see the goat eating until it was too late. Grabbing the goat he quickly stopped it but not before the goat had devoured three and a half full boards. This goat was a fast eater.
Later that evening Juan, lying in bed, caressed the goat as he had done the night before and ended it with a final tug on the little tail.
In the morning Juan was again awakened to the site of a fresh new pile of goat dung lying beside his bed. This time Juan noticed that it contained some silver coins as before but also it contained three gold coins. Not wanting to be scolded again by his mama he hid the coins under his bed in the dirt. The remaining pile of goat dung was unceremoniously removed outside.
Days past and each night Juan would perform his little rub and each morning he would wake up to a new pile of dung containing valuables.
After 11 days of this Juan was sure he had himself a magical goat. He knew he never let the little goat eat anything valuable but he wanted to try something.
Taking the goat deep into the garbage dump Juan let the goat eat anything it wanted. Juan followed the goat around all morning watching it eat and get bigger. Finally in a remote spot of the garbage dump away from suspicious eyes Juan started rubbing the goat’s tummy. Then after only 5 minutes he stopped and pulled it’s tail.
Then he waited.
In what seemed like a real long time but was only 10 minutes, the goat started to shiver and shake. Then it circled around itself 3 times and finally squatted and opened it mouth to make a noise. No noise came from its mouth but Juan was presented with a fresh steaming pile of goat dung for his efforts.
Juan looked at the pile and noticed that it contained silver and gold coins and a watch and a necklace. Happily he grabbed the items and cleaned them off as best he could. Looking up he noticed the goat was back to eating garbage again and didn’t really care about Juan’s excitement.
Stuffing the valuables into his pocket he follows the goat some more and after letting him eat a large quantity of garbage he again performs the rub and the tail pull. Again little Juan is rewarded with a fresh pile of goat dung containing valuable surprises.
Hurrying home with the goat in tow, he wanted to tell his whole family how wonderful his goat’s asshole was.
At dinner that night Juan waits until the family has finished eating. Then he grabs a bag that he was hiding containing all the coins and valuable he had gathered these last days.
"Mama, Papa I have something to show you." Juan said as he lifted the bag onto the table.
Pouring out all the coins on the table a hush fell over the whole family as the coins made that wonderful clinking sound. Then the family rushed out and started grabbing for the coins.
Laughing they looked over the coins and passed them between themselves. A few even bit down on them to see if they were real.
"Mama, do you remember when I brought you those coins before?" Juan asked. His mama nodded. "Well these are more from the goat’s dung that I found."
With that the family all stopped their coin fondling and bid a hasty retreat from the table. The coins again dropped to that familiar clinking sound.
"What is this nonsense?" Papa Valdes asked. "Mama what is little Juan saying?"
"Well dear it seams that Juan’s goat ate some garbage and it contained some coins and then when it pooped Juan found them" Mama stated.
"No Mama, the goat never ate any coins" Juan said. "All I fed the little goat was garbage like Papa told me to. Then at night I would lay down and caress the goat’s tummy and pull it’s tail and in the morning there would be a new pile of goat dung with the coins in it."
"I’ll have no fibbing around here" yelled Papa.
"No its true Papa" Juan quickly said. "Just watch."
With that Juan went and retrieved the goat. After feeding the goat some tin cans, a few bones and a scrap of banana peel, Juan started to caress the goat’s tummy. Then looking at his family he pulled gently on the tail. Again 10 minutes later the goat went into its pooping routine and rewarded the family with a nice pile of fresh new dung. Juan went and picked it up and showed it to his father.
"Look, see, there are coins in the dung" Juan exclaimed.
Papa Valdes looked closer and was as shocked as the rest of the family. Before him lay in the outstretched hands of little Juan was a new fresh pile of goat dung containing silver coins, three pearls and lapel pin. He knew his family would never have to go hungry again so long as this goat pooped treasures.
But Papa Valdes also knew that if others found out about the goat then it might get difficult in hiding it. Others might want to abscond the tiny goat for their own greed.
"I want everyone to promise not to tell anybody else about the tiny goat" he spoke to the family.
"Not a soul outside this house must know what this goat can do."
The family all nodded in agreement. This was their family secret. Plus who would believe them.
As the days passed the little goat had become a little larger and larger, and his craps also had become bigger and bigger. Now they could be found steaming with watches, silver cutlery, precious stones and larger valuables. The family patiently followed the little goat around the dump, cautiously waiting for all to be clear and then activating his poop mechanism and collecting the goods.
Then one early morning Juan awoke to a funny noise coming from the goat’s pen. Papa had decided that it would be best that the goat had its own pen instead of sleeping and pooping right beside little Juan’s bed all the time. So little Juan got up and went over to the pen.
There before him lay the little goat on it’s side with a pained expression on it’s face. Never before had Juan witnessed such an anguished look and quickly went and woke up his papa.
"Come quick, come quick" shouted Juan as he shook his papa awake. "The little goat looks sick."
Papa Valdes quickly jumped out of his bed and rushes to the goat’s pen. Not exactly sure of what to he could do, he was worried that the goat had eaten too much and someone had forgotten to rub his tummy and pull it’s tail. So he does.
After 10 minutes the goat opens its mouth and lets out only a dry gust of methane wind. The rest of the family soon awoke.
All through the day the family tried to figure out what could be wrong. They tried feeding it more food only to find that the goat would get even bigger. They even tried feeding it more liquids but nothing would come out of it’s magical rectum.
Then Momma Valdes fed the goat some people food, nice tangy burritos instead of the usual garbage the goat was so used to eating. A little rub and a tug of the tail followed. After 10 minutes and small rumble was heard in the goat’s tummy. Excited the family stood back awaiting the anus to spew forth its bounty but they were rewarded with a few little toots of winds and a couple of pellets of poop. Inside the pellets the family found beautiful looking diamonds. Although they were still mystified by the goat’s condition, they were happy that it had begun to produce its wonderful anal treasures again.
By the next day the goat’s condition had not changed and Papa Valdes came home with some bad news.
"It looks like the diamonds the little goat spewed forth yesterday were not real diamonds. Something called cubic zirconia’s and are practically worthless."
They were back to where they had been before.
Now true all the valuables the little goat had produced so far should have been enough to allow the family to move out of the dump and into a nice house. It just wouldn’t have been enough for them to last there. They needed some more.
It was a long two weeks of worrying for the family. The little goat continued to eat garbage without showing any signs of slowing. The little goat continued to grow in size but nothing would come out of its little rectum.
Papa Valdes had to calm down the family on several occasions. Most recently Uncle Carlos tried to get the family to at least carve up the beast and eat him. Uncle Carlos was not liked very much. He, like the goat, ate too much, grew large and rewarded all with little toots of foul air. But he was family.
After a month of trying everything the family had used up all the money the little goat had produced and were back to where it all started, poor, penniless and living in a pile of garbage. But little Juan would not give up hope. Everyday he would attend to his chores and then spend the rest of his time comforting the goat.
All seemed lost for Juan and his family. No longer was the goat called little. It had ballooned to almost 7 times it’s original size and even lying on its side it was taller than Juan. Everyday it continued to eat and blow wind but nothing more.
A few days later Juan was wondering through the dump when he came upon a ripped bag of newly deposited garbage. Hunting through the garbage Juan found some nice pieces of leftover food that he was sure the goat would like. Grabbing what he could he made his way back home. Between the pained facial expressions of something that hadn’t pooped in a month and those of a content animal, Juan could make out the goat was happy to see him.
Juan fed him the food but the goat only swallowed and lay there.
In one of the bags Juan had grabbed was half a spoonful of coffee granules. He thought that this would make a nice surprise for his Papa when he got home from work. Juan always knew how much his Papa enjoyed his coffee and recently there had been none to enjoy.
Warming up the water was always a chore but Juan knew that it took awhile so he started right away. Carefully he measured the coffee grains into his father’s favorite cup and waited for the water to boil. He was expecting his father to arrive in the next hour or so and thought that if Papa smelt the coffee when he got home he would be happy.
Juan waited as the water got hotter and hotter. Then when all was right he carefully poured the water into the cup and stirred the grains around and let it sit.
After a few minutes the smell of coffee started to waft through the little shack. Juan liked the smell and wandered over to the goat to wait for his Papa. Then Juan noticed the goat was sniffing madly. With it’s nostrils flaring it made great big sniffs as if in search of a mysterious smell.
"What do you smell?" Juan asked the goat. "Is there something you want?"
The goat only continued sniffing madly.
Juan thought about it and went over and grabbed his Papa’s cup full of fresh coffee. As he brought it closer to the goat, the animal increased its sniffing considerably. Juan stood over the animal or at least beside it due to its size with the cup within the goat’s possible reach.
Just then Papa Valdes came home. Lifting his head he smelt the coffee and smiled.
"That smells like coffee" he exclaimed. "When did we get some coffee?"
Juan was just about to answer him when his Papa looked over and saw Juan standing holding his cup.
The goat saw the cup.
Papa saw the goat.
Juan heard the goat, but it was too late to react.
Juan looked down as the goat reached out with its mouth in what could only be described as supernatural and engulfed the cup, coffee and all.
Papa Valdes lunged for the goat, "NOOOOO!!"
Juan was too shocked to move. Just thankful the goat didn’t eat his fingers as well.
Lifting it’s head the goat drained the cup of coffee and then in a surprising move, spat the cup out. Picking up the cup, Juan handed it over to his Papa.
They both looked at the cup and then at the goat as it lay its head of the ground with what best could be described as a smile of contentment. Juan looked on worried as a tear slowly formed in the goat’s eye and slid down its dirty cheek. Making only a little whimper the goat gently closed its eyelids.
"Is this the end?" thought Juan as he looks first at the goat and then his Papa.
Moving over to the goat Juan kneeled and cradles the goat’s head in his lap. Papa Valdes placed his hand on Juan’s shoulder.
"Try not to cry Juan" Papa said in a comforting voice. "You were able to spend a lot of time with it while it was here. Remember the joy it brought you and not the sorrow of it’s passing."
Tears formed in Juan’s eyes and he gently pet the goat’s neck. "Bye little goat" he said as he kissed it once on its head. Juan’s eyes filled with water as he slowly laid the goat’s head on the ground. Getting up he hugged his Papa and they stood there together as the rest of the family slowly arrived on the scene. Together the remembered the happiness that they felt when the little goat pooped and the joy it’s crap brought them.
Then… Juan heard a low rumbling. At first it sounded like it is far away, like a distant train getting closer, only it seemed to be close already.
Looking around the shack the family all wondered where the sound was coming from when Juan’s younger sisters points and shouts, "look, look at the little goat!"
Juan quickly turned his head and looked at the goat. It’s tummy was quivering like a big mound of jello. The goat then lifted his head and opens it’s mouth, but no sound came out. The family all took a step back and the rumbling continued to get louder. Small pieces of the shack fell off the wall and the ground vibrated making standing all the more difficult. Juan stared at the goat as it’s tummy continued its vibrating and rolling motion.
Juan’s eyeballs got as big as saucepans and as he looked closer at the goat he noticed its anus was quivering like a Chihuahua in a snow storm.
Suddenly with the sound of a mighty thunder, the goat’s rectum erupts and burst forth with its magical bounty. With a force never witnessed before it spewed forth an incredible mixture of goat poop and precious valuable. Blowing a hole in the shack, up into the sky it flew, like an expensive Old Faithful. The family stood there in awe as the goat continued its mighty poop.
As they stood there mostly in shock, gold candlesticks and silver coins rained down around them. Awakened out of their hypnotized state they all quickly scurried about collecting the wonderful bounty. Rubies, pearls, real diamonds landed all about like stinky little gifts from heaven. But the goat wasn’t finished just yet. A great whoosh sound filled the shack as the goat pushed forth a TV, then a stereo, a VCR, a DVD player and other electronic devices. More squishy sounds continued to emanate from the goat’s anus as wonderful fur coats, leather jackets and even sports equipment shot out and into the sky.
The goat followed this with a mighty bellow and his "Baaaaaaaahhhhhhaaaaaahhhh" could be heard for miles around.
As the family quickly gathered up the valuables the goat continued his magnificent anal gastro-firework display. It was a good thing many family members were on hand to collect the stuff as the noise had brought others towards the shack.
Then just as it had begun, it finished and the last silver dollar popped out of the goat’s tired o-ring.
The family continued to grab the stuff as it rained down around them. Thankfully the stench of the poop held off anyone wanting to get in on their new riches. The family having already become used to the smell thought nothing of it. They were just glad to finally have the valuables again.
Little Juan had made his way over to the goat and was relieved to see it had almost reverted back to its original size. Still lying on its side it now looked like a normal goat only one with a real big smile of contentment and relief.
With their new riches, Juan and his family moved out of the garbage dump and into a beautiful house in the hills of Columbia where they take up the art of coffee growing.
The goat has fully recovered from its constipation and lives on a healthy diet of real food now. Occasionally it eats some garbage but is only able to shoot out small trinkets and other little valuables now and then.
Juan and his family didn’t mind as their lives had become one where picking up goat poop all the time was a thing of the past. Juan was especially happy as he was also tired of cleaning up all the crap and now he could have a nice pet goat, a clean place to live and a future to look forward to.
The End
Many moons ago a simple little email appeared on my computer screen. It seems that Biggles Bytes had some extra time on his hands and decided to present me with a four paragraph ditty about a goat and a little boy. After reading this email I was struck by it's simplicity and humour and thought that it could make a great story if expanded. So it was.Possible titles for this tale were given as "Juan and the Magical Goat Poo", "Like Garbage for Chocolate", "Saving Juan Valdez", "Thundergoat",and "Casacrappa". "Thundergoat" proved to be the winner. So sit back and enjoy this delightful little tale about a young boy and his goat.
Little Juan and his goat.
It was a warm day. The sun had reached it’s high point in the sky and cast very small shadows. In the shantytown off the edge of Mexico City, the inhabitants went about their daily business. Scraping a meager amount of food together, the people were very poor and found themselves on many nights going hungry. This is where little Juan Valdes lives. An ever-so-cute huge-eyed brown-haired little boy with quite a vivid imagination.
His family lived in a tiny shack made up of old cardboard boxes and torn garbage bags. In an ironic twisted way, although they were poverty stricken, they lived among the best in brand names as each box was labeled with various major corporation names. The Gap, Nike, Levis to name a few. This and the fact that all around them were enormous mounds of garbage, they still had to live. But it was this garbage that they scavenged through that allowed them to survive and obtain their meager income. It was also this garbage that would save them.
Little Juan was walking around his little shack when he heard a small noise coming from a pile of smelly bags of food waste. Peering closer Juan saw a tiny hoof and it was moving. Pulling on it he was surprised to uncover a small goat covered in trash. He had never had a pet before in fact he had never known his family owning any animal before. His family would be most surprised.
Taking the little goat into his home he was greeted by the gaze of his family, all 22 of them. Aunts, uncles, cousins and such all stared at the little goat, then back at little Juan. Then back again at the little goat as it let out a small baahh noise. Not to be outdone, Juan’s uncle Carlo let forth his own trumpet call. The shack quickly cleared.
"Did you steal this goat little Juan?’ spoke his father.
"No sir, I found him in the garbage out back of the shack. Can I keep him?"
"I don’t know, we could use the money if we sell him or use him as a family feast" his father thought out loud. "I can’t see how we could possibly feed him if it stays."
"It could eat the garbage" exclaimed Juan quickly. "I would care for him every day and maybe we could have some of it’s milk to drink."
By the look on his son’s face, Papa Valdes could not bring himself to sell this goat. "Okay Juan, just remember that it eats only the garbage that we can’t eat or re-sell."
Overjoyed little Juan hugged his father’s leg and hurried the goat outside.
The goat took to little Juan as he in-turn took to the goat. Inseparable were the two of them. Where ever Juan went the goat was to follow. Juan would occasionally pick various pieces of garbage and feed them to the goat and hungrily it would consume the item.
Days past and Juan was a little worried that something was wrong with the goat. It would eat everything he gave it but never had Juan seen it do its business, so to speak. Now mind you in a garbage dump this sort of action could easily be over looked but it wasn’t natural. To constantly eat and eat but never take a dump is just not healthy.
"Why don’t he poop father?" little Juan asked one night after an enjoyable dinner of refried everything.
"I don’t know Juan" answered Papa Valdes. "I don’t think he is sick and he sure looks healthy. He is getter larger in the belly everyday."
Juan nodded in agreement but knew in his heart that something was wrong.
As he lay in bed that night with the little goat by his side he started to softly rub the goat’s tummy. A soft caressing in a circular motion all the while talking to the animal.
Drifting off to sleep he finally stopped caressing and gave the goat’s tiny tail one gentle playful pull.
"For good luck fella" he whispered before succumbing to sleep.
The next morning Juan awoke to the rise of the early sun’s light. Each morning was the best time to scavenge through the garbage for food and re-sellable goods. The sun had not warmed up the garbage so the stink was at the lowest point. Juan turned over to pet the goat and was surprised to see a brown lump of goat dung lying on the floor behind the goat.
"You pooped little goat" exclaimed Juan, "I’m so happy for you"
The goat only gave his usual baahh sound.
As Juan was picking up the goat dung a glint of silver from the dung caught his eye. Pulling on it he quickly realized that it was a silver dollar. Wiping it off on his shirt he quickly noticed another and another mixed within the goat dung. After fumbling through the pile he was left with not only a stinky mess but 7 silver dollars.
"Mama, Mama, look what I found" he quickly shouted out.
Mama Valdes looked over from where she was diapering her youngest child.
"What do you have Juan?" she questioned.
"Silver dollars. I have 7 silver dollars" little Juan showed as he scampered up to her. "See look," and he lifted his hand holding all seven shiny coins.
"Where did you get these?" she wondered. Picking them from his out stretched hand she looked them over.
"I was sleeping and the little goat was sleeping and when I woke up this morning he had pooped and these were in the poop." She dropped the coins.
"Are you telling me you found these coins in that goat’s poop." Mama asked him sternly.
"Yes all seven of them."
"You know what your father said about letting that goat eat anything valuable. If he finds out that you let it eat these coins from the garbage he will be quite upset."
"But I didn’t mama, I only fed him cans and other little bits of garbage. I was very careful."
"Well you will have to be even more careful. That goat ate those coins when you were not looking and you promised that would not happen", Mama Valdes sternly stated.
"I promise mama it won’t happen again."
Later that day little Juan was running about the garbage with the goat in tow when he came upon some funny looking green boards. Each board had many little electronic pieces and parts on it. The goat saw them and started to munch away. Juan was distracted and didn’t see the goat eating until it was too late. Grabbing the goat he quickly stopped it but not before the goat had devoured three and a half full boards. This goat was a fast eater.
Later that evening Juan, lying in bed, caressed the goat as he had done the night before and ended it with a final tug on the little tail.
In the morning Juan was again awakened to the site of a fresh new pile of goat dung lying beside his bed. This time Juan noticed that it contained some silver coins as before but also it contained three gold coins. Not wanting to be scolded again by his mama he hid the coins under his bed in the dirt. The remaining pile of goat dung was unceremoniously removed outside.
Days past and each night Juan would perform his little rub and each morning he would wake up to a new pile of dung containing valuables.
After 11 days of this Juan was sure he had himself a magical goat. He knew he never let the little goat eat anything valuable but he wanted to try something.
Taking the goat deep into the garbage dump Juan let the goat eat anything it wanted. Juan followed the goat around all morning watching it eat and get bigger. Finally in a remote spot of the garbage dump away from suspicious eyes Juan started rubbing the goat’s tummy. Then after only 5 minutes he stopped and pulled it’s tail.
Then he waited.
In what seemed like a real long time but was only 10 minutes, the goat started to shiver and shake. Then it circled around itself 3 times and finally squatted and opened it mouth to make a noise. No noise came from its mouth but Juan was presented with a fresh steaming pile of goat dung for his efforts.
Juan looked at the pile and noticed that it contained silver and gold coins and a watch and a necklace. Happily he grabbed the items and cleaned them off as best he could. Looking up he noticed the goat was back to eating garbage again and didn’t really care about Juan’s excitement.
Stuffing the valuables into his pocket he follows the goat some more and after letting him eat a large quantity of garbage he again performs the rub and the tail pull. Again little Juan is rewarded with a fresh pile of goat dung containing valuable surprises.
Hurrying home with the goat in tow, he wanted to tell his whole family how wonderful his goat’s asshole was.
At dinner that night Juan waits until the family has finished eating. Then he grabs a bag that he was hiding containing all the coins and valuable he had gathered these last days.
"Mama, Papa I have something to show you." Juan said as he lifted the bag onto the table.
Pouring out all the coins on the table a hush fell over the whole family as the coins made that wonderful clinking sound. Then the family rushed out and started grabbing for the coins.
Laughing they looked over the coins and passed them between themselves. A few even bit down on them to see if they were real.
"Mama, do you remember when I brought you those coins before?" Juan asked. His mama nodded. "Well these are more from the goat’s dung that I found."
With that the family all stopped their coin fondling and bid a hasty retreat from the table. The coins again dropped to that familiar clinking sound.
"What is this nonsense?" Papa Valdes asked. "Mama what is little Juan saying?"
"Well dear it seams that Juan’s goat ate some garbage and it contained some coins and then when it pooped Juan found them" Mama stated.
"No Mama, the goat never ate any coins" Juan said. "All I fed the little goat was garbage like Papa told me to. Then at night I would lay down and caress the goat’s tummy and pull it’s tail and in the morning there would be a new pile of goat dung with the coins in it."
"I’ll have no fibbing around here" yelled Papa.
"No its true Papa" Juan quickly said. "Just watch."
With that Juan went and retrieved the goat. After feeding the goat some tin cans, a few bones and a scrap of banana peel, Juan started to caress the goat’s tummy. Then looking at his family he pulled gently on the tail. Again 10 minutes later the goat went into its pooping routine and rewarded the family with a nice pile of fresh new dung. Juan went and picked it up and showed it to his father.
"Look, see, there are coins in the dung" Juan exclaimed.
Papa Valdes looked closer and was as shocked as the rest of the family. Before him lay in the outstretched hands of little Juan was a new fresh pile of goat dung containing silver coins, three pearls and lapel pin. He knew his family would never have to go hungry again so long as this goat pooped treasures.
But Papa Valdes also knew that if others found out about the goat then it might get difficult in hiding it. Others might want to abscond the tiny goat for their own greed.
"I want everyone to promise not to tell anybody else about the tiny goat" he spoke to the family.
"Not a soul outside this house must know what this goat can do."
The family all nodded in agreement. This was their family secret. Plus who would believe them.
As the days passed the little goat had become a little larger and larger, and his craps also had become bigger and bigger. Now they could be found steaming with watches, silver cutlery, precious stones and larger valuables. The family patiently followed the little goat around the dump, cautiously waiting for all to be clear and then activating his poop mechanism and collecting the goods.
Then one early morning Juan awoke to a funny noise coming from the goat’s pen. Papa had decided that it would be best that the goat had its own pen instead of sleeping and pooping right beside little Juan’s bed all the time. So little Juan got up and went over to the pen.
There before him lay the little goat on it’s side with a pained expression on it’s face. Never before had Juan witnessed such an anguished look and quickly went and woke up his papa.
"Come quick, come quick" shouted Juan as he shook his papa awake. "The little goat looks sick."
Papa Valdes quickly jumped out of his bed and rushes to the goat’s pen. Not exactly sure of what to he could do, he was worried that the goat had eaten too much and someone had forgotten to rub his tummy and pull it’s tail. So he does.
After 10 minutes the goat opens its mouth and lets out only a dry gust of methane wind. The rest of the family soon awoke.
All through the day the family tried to figure out what could be wrong. They tried feeding it more food only to find that the goat would get even bigger. They even tried feeding it more liquids but nothing would come out of it’s magical rectum.
Then Momma Valdes fed the goat some people food, nice tangy burritos instead of the usual garbage the goat was so used to eating. A little rub and a tug of the tail followed. After 10 minutes and small rumble was heard in the goat’s tummy. Excited the family stood back awaiting the anus to spew forth its bounty but they were rewarded with a few little toots of winds and a couple of pellets of poop. Inside the pellets the family found beautiful looking diamonds. Although they were still mystified by the goat’s condition, they were happy that it had begun to produce its wonderful anal treasures again.
By the next day the goat’s condition had not changed and Papa Valdes came home with some bad news.
"It looks like the diamonds the little goat spewed forth yesterday were not real diamonds. Something called cubic zirconia’s and are practically worthless."
They were back to where they had been before.
Now true all the valuables the little goat had produced so far should have been enough to allow the family to move out of the dump and into a nice house. It just wouldn’t have been enough for them to last there. They needed some more.
It was a long two weeks of worrying for the family. The little goat continued to eat garbage without showing any signs of slowing. The little goat continued to grow in size but nothing would come out of its little rectum.
Papa Valdes had to calm down the family on several occasions. Most recently Uncle Carlos tried to get the family to at least carve up the beast and eat him. Uncle Carlos was not liked very much. He, like the goat, ate too much, grew large and rewarded all with little toots of foul air. But he was family.
After a month of trying everything the family had used up all the money the little goat had produced and were back to where it all started, poor, penniless and living in a pile of garbage. But little Juan would not give up hope. Everyday he would attend to his chores and then spend the rest of his time comforting the goat.
All seemed lost for Juan and his family. No longer was the goat called little. It had ballooned to almost 7 times it’s original size and even lying on its side it was taller than Juan. Everyday it continued to eat and blow wind but nothing more.
A few days later Juan was wondering through the dump when he came upon a ripped bag of newly deposited garbage. Hunting through the garbage Juan found some nice pieces of leftover food that he was sure the goat would like. Grabbing what he could he made his way back home. Between the pained facial expressions of something that hadn’t pooped in a month and those of a content animal, Juan could make out the goat was happy to see him.
Juan fed him the food but the goat only swallowed and lay there.
In one of the bags Juan had grabbed was half a spoonful of coffee granules. He thought that this would make a nice surprise for his Papa when he got home from work. Juan always knew how much his Papa enjoyed his coffee and recently there had been none to enjoy.
Warming up the water was always a chore but Juan knew that it took awhile so he started right away. Carefully he measured the coffee grains into his father’s favorite cup and waited for the water to boil. He was expecting his father to arrive in the next hour or so and thought that if Papa smelt the coffee when he got home he would be happy.
Juan waited as the water got hotter and hotter. Then when all was right he carefully poured the water into the cup and stirred the grains around and let it sit.
After a few minutes the smell of coffee started to waft through the little shack. Juan liked the smell and wandered over to the goat to wait for his Papa. Then Juan noticed the goat was sniffing madly. With it’s nostrils flaring it made great big sniffs as if in search of a mysterious smell.
"What do you smell?" Juan asked the goat. "Is there something you want?"
The goat only continued sniffing madly.
Juan thought about it and went over and grabbed his Papa’s cup full of fresh coffee. As he brought it closer to the goat, the animal increased its sniffing considerably. Juan stood over the animal or at least beside it due to its size with the cup within the goat’s possible reach.
Just then Papa Valdes came home. Lifting his head he smelt the coffee and smiled.
"That smells like coffee" he exclaimed. "When did we get some coffee?"
Juan was just about to answer him when his Papa looked over and saw Juan standing holding his cup.
The goat saw the cup.
Papa saw the goat.
Juan heard the goat, but it was too late to react.
Juan looked down as the goat reached out with its mouth in what could only be described as supernatural and engulfed the cup, coffee and all.
Papa Valdes lunged for the goat, "NOOOOO!!"
Juan was too shocked to move. Just thankful the goat didn’t eat his fingers as well.
Lifting it’s head the goat drained the cup of coffee and then in a surprising move, spat the cup out. Picking up the cup, Juan handed it over to his Papa.
They both looked at the cup and then at the goat as it lay its head of the ground with what best could be described as a smile of contentment. Juan looked on worried as a tear slowly formed in the goat’s eye and slid down its dirty cheek. Making only a little whimper the goat gently closed its eyelids.
"Is this the end?" thought Juan as he looks first at the goat and then his Papa.
Moving over to the goat Juan kneeled and cradles the goat’s head in his lap. Papa Valdes placed his hand on Juan’s shoulder.
"Try not to cry Juan" Papa said in a comforting voice. "You were able to spend a lot of time with it while it was here. Remember the joy it brought you and not the sorrow of it’s passing."
Tears formed in Juan’s eyes and he gently pet the goat’s neck. "Bye little goat" he said as he kissed it once on its head. Juan’s eyes filled with water as he slowly laid the goat’s head on the ground. Getting up he hugged his Papa and they stood there together as the rest of the family slowly arrived on the scene. Together the remembered the happiness that they felt when the little goat pooped and the joy it’s crap brought them.
Then… Juan heard a low rumbling. At first it sounded like it is far away, like a distant train getting closer, only it seemed to be close already.
Looking around the shack the family all wondered where the sound was coming from when Juan’s younger sisters points and shouts, "look, look at the little goat!"
Juan quickly turned his head and looked at the goat. It’s tummy was quivering like a big mound of jello. The goat then lifted his head and opens it’s mouth, but no sound came out. The family all took a step back and the rumbling continued to get louder. Small pieces of the shack fell off the wall and the ground vibrated making standing all the more difficult. Juan stared at the goat as it’s tummy continued its vibrating and rolling motion.
Juan’s eyeballs got as big as saucepans and as he looked closer at the goat he noticed its anus was quivering like a Chihuahua in a snow storm.
Suddenly with the sound of a mighty thunder, the goat’s rectum erupts and burst forth with its magical bounty. With a force never witnessed before it spewed forth an incredible mixture of goat poop and precious valuable. Blowing a hole in the shack, up into the sky it flew, like an expensive Old Faithful. The family stood there in awe as the goat continued its mighty poop.
As they stood there mostly in shock, gold candlesticks and silver coins rained down around them. Awakened out of their hypnotized state they all quickly scurried about collecting the wonderful bounty. Rubies, pearls, real diamonds landed all about like stinky little gifts from heaven. But the goat wasn’t finished just yet. A great whoosh sound filled the shack as the goat pushed forth a TV, then a stereo, a VCR, a DVD player and other electronic devices. More squishy sounds continued to emanate from the goat’s anus as wonderful fur coats, leather jackets and even sports equipment shot out and into the sky.
The goat followed this with a mighty bellow and his "Baaaaaaaahhhhhhaaaaaahhhh" could be heard for miles around.
As the family quickly gathered up the valuables the goat continued his magnificent anal gastro-firework display. It was a good thing many family members were on hand to collect the stuff as the noise had brought others towards the shack.
Then just as it had begun, it finished and the last silver dollar popped out of the goat’s tired o-ring.
The family continued to grab the stuff as it rained down around them. Thankfully the stench of the poop held off anyone wanting to get in on their new riches. The family having already become used to the smell thought nothing of it. They were just glad to finally have the valuables again.
Little Juan had made his way over to the goat and was relieved to see it had almost reverted back to its original size. Still lying on its side it now looked like a normal goat only one with a real big smile of contentment and relief.
With their new riches, Juan and his family moved out of the garbage dump and into a beautiful house in the hills of Columbia where they take up the art of coffee growing.
The goat has fully recovered from its constipation and lives on a healthy diet of real food now. Occasionally it eats some garbage but is only able to shoot out small trinkets and other little valuables now and then.
Juan and his family didn’t mind as their lives had become one where picking up goat poop all the time was a thing of the past. Juan was especially happy as he was also tired of cleaning up all the crap and now he could have a nice pet goat, a clean place to live and a future to look forward to.
The End
The River Trip
Under normal circumstances this would have been a pleasant trip, he thought to himself as the water slapped at the sides of his canoe. His paddle stroked in a hypnotic rhythm as he searched the river banks for any unforeseen dangers. He had heard of survey parties going completely missing in these parts and he didn't want to travel down those paths.
In reaching down into his canoe to grab his canteen he heard a noise pass quickly by his head. Thinking it was only one of the countless insects to inhabit these streams he went about his business. The sudden appearance of a 5 inch dart in the side of his canteen readjusted his thinking. All of a sudden the river was filled with the sound of many whistling darts.
Quickly he laid down on his back in the canoe. Luckily it allowed him complete cover from the darts flying overhead. The canoe was solid and rejected all the incoming projectiles. He could only hope his attackers would not find any higher advantage point and shoot down upon him. Thankfully the river current was strong enough at this point of the river to continue his journey without him needing to paddle, only he sure did wish to see where he was headed.
Then just as soon as the river bank had exploded with excitement, it stopped.
After some time he chanced taking a look and slowly lifted his head up to peer back from whence he came. He could make out in the shadows some forms but nothing too substantial. Breathing a sigh of relief he eased himself into his original position only to stare straight ahead at what could only be described as an "oh crap" moment. The river had decided to forsake its nice casual pace for some incredibly torrential set of rapids. Why didn't I charter a helicopter he asked himself as the river began its quickening pace.
The river was nasty. Large jagged rocks protruded out from their watery confines. The speed for which he was carried down the river was ever increasing, testing his skills behind the paddle. Water crashed into his canoe drenching his equipment and then himself. The grinding of metal against the cold rocks sent chills up his spine. His muscles ached against the continuous pounding. Over and over again he narrowly missed disaster and almost certain death. Up ahead he could sense there was a calm portion of the river, if he could only hang on till then. This brief moment of jubilation was quickly shattered by the reality of the situation. Again the water crashed into him. Again he missed the rocks by mere inches.
Scanning ahead he noticed the river was getting much too narrow for his liking. A thunderous pounding was slowly becoming more apparent and he realized that this was another one of those "oh crap" moments except with a few more colourful adjective added.
Directly ahead lay a 60 foot waterfall that spilled onto a neatly placed outcropping of very big sharp rocks. Seizing the moment and with as much energy as he could muster at this point he headed towards the shoreline. That's when he saw them for the first time. That's when he saw them clearly.
His dart wielding friends had decided to show up for a show. Obviously they had been tracking him as he made his way through the rapids. Waiting to see if he would make his way to the shore and relative safety. But they didn't shoot any darts this time. As his eyes locked to theirs he noticed they were smiling. Not one of those happy smiles but one of pure evil.
Seizing the moment he quickly adjusted his canoe and directed it straight for the waterfall edge. Better to have the rocks beat me to death then end up as some buffet main course he thought to himself. With his speed gathering he neared the edge quickly. Then he saw it!
A large tree had fallen by the river bank just below the waterfall's edge. It's branches had been either sheared off by the cliff edge or by the constant pounding of the water. If he could skillfully maneuver the canoe to go over the edge and land on the trunk he could possibly slide down the tree, over the wet moss and continue on below, narrowly missing the rocks in a superhuman trick of fate.
Not the best of plans but considering he had but mere micro-seconds to think this up and execute it, he was doing fine. It was a million to one shot but it was a lot better then face-planting on some rocks.
The canoe reached the edge of the waterfall, he adjusted his strokes, the tip thrusting outward away from the edge and then down as gravity took hold. With his last bit of strength he pushed on the paddle to land on the tree trunk. The water was now pushing him down at an accelerated speed. With a thud he landed hard on the trunk only to bounce off again with the pressure of the water propelling him quickly downward. A cascading shower of water completely covered him as the back of the canoe bounced onto the tree. Blinded by the shear volume of water he was in for one hell of a ride. The front of the canoe once again pounded on the trunk as he emerged from the flow of water. Sliding down the tree thanks to the build up that moss and slime, he quickly gained even more speed. Then in what could only be described as an incredible amount of good fortune, he skipped off the tree and bounced onto the water below, missing the sharp deadly rocks by fraction of inches.
Looking back he saw his evil grinning friends on the cliff top. Feeling his ego a little inflated he gave them a nice wave and big grin. He only hoped the rest of his voyage wouldn't be as eventful as his first day.
Under normal circumstances this would have been a pleasant trip, he thought to himself as the water slapped at the sides of his canoe. His paddle stroked in a hypnotic rhythm as he searched the river banks for any unforeseen dangers. He had heard of survey parties going completely missing in these parts and he didn't want to travel down those paths.
In reaching down into his canoe to grab his canteen he heard a noise pass quickly by his head. Thinking it was only one of the countless insects to inhabit these streams he went about his business. The sudden appearance of a 5 inch dart in the side of his canteen readjusted his thinking. All of a sudden the river was filled with the sound of many whistling darts.
Quickly he laid down on his back in the canoe. Luckily it allowed him complete cover from the darts flying overhead. The canoe was solid and rejected all the incoming projectiles. He could only hope his attackers would not find any higher advantage point and shoot down upon him. Thankfully the river current was strong enough at this point of the river to continue his journey without him needing to paddle, only he sure did wish to see where he was headed.
Then just as soon as the river bank had exploded with excitement, it stopped.
After some time he chanced taking a look and slowly lifted his head up to peer back from whence he came. He could make out in the shadows some forms but nothing too substantial. Breathing a sigh of relief he eased himself into his original position only to stare straight ahead at what could only be described as an "oh crap" moment. The river had decided to forsake its nice casual pace for some incredibly torrential set of rapids. Why didn't I charter a helicopter he asked himself as the river began its quickening pace.
The river was nasty. Large jagged rocks protruded out from their watery confines. The speed for which he was carried down the river was ever increasing, testing his skills behind the paddle. Water crashed into his canoe drenching his equipment and then himself. The grinding of metal against the cold rocks sent chills up his spine. His muscles ached against the continuous pounding. Over and over again he narrowly missed disaster and almost certain death. Up ahead he could sense there was a calm portion of the river, if he could only hang on till then. This brief moment of jubilation was quickly shattered by the reality of the situation. Again the water crashed into him. Again he missed the rocks by mere inches.
Scanning ahead he noticed the river was getting much too narrow for his liking. A thunderous pounding was slowly becoming more apparent and he realized that this was another one of those "oh crap" moments except with a few more colourful adjective added.
Directly ahead lay a 60 foot waterfall that spilled onto a neatly placed outcropping of very big sharp rocks. Seizing the moment and with as much energy as he could muster at this point he headed towards the shoreline. That's when he saw them for the first time. That's when he saw them clearly.
His dart wielding friends had decided to show up for a show. Obviously they had been tracking him as he made his way through the rapids. Waiting to see if he would make his way to the shore and relative safety. But they didn't shoot any darts this time. As his eyes locked to theirs he noticed they were smiling. Not one of those happy smiles but one of pure evil.
Seizing the moment he quickly adjusted his canoe and directed it straight for the waterfall edge. Better to have the rocks beat me to death then end up as some buffet main course he thought to himself. With his speed gathering he neared the edge quickly. Then he saw it!
A large tree had fallen by the river bank just below the waterfall's edge. It's branches had been either sheared off by the cliff edge or by the constant pounding of the water. If he could skillfully maneuver the canoe to go over the edge and land on the trunk he could possibly slide down the tree, over the wet moss and continue on below, narrowly missing the rocks in a superhuman trick of fate.
Not the best of plans but considering he had but mere micro-seconds to think this up and execute it, he was doing fine. It was a million to one shot but it was a lot better then face-planting on some rocks.
The canoe reached the edge of the waterfall, he adjusted his strokes, the tip thrusting outward away from the edge and then down as gravity took hold. With his last bit of strength he pushed on the paddle to land on the tree trunk. The water was now pushing him down at an accelerated speed. With a thud he landed hard on the trunk only to bounce off again with the pressure of the water propelling him quickly downward. A cascading shower of water completely covered him as the back of the canoe bounced onto the tree. Blinded by the shear volume of water he was in for one hell of a ride. The front of the canoe once again pounded on the trunk as he emerged from the flow of water. Sliding down the tree thanks to the build up that moss and slime, he quickly gained even more speed. Then in what could only be described as an incredible amount of good fortune, he skipped off the tree and bounced onto the water below, missing the sharp deadly rocks by fraction of inches.
Looking back he saw his evil grinning friends on the cliff top. Feeling his ego a little inflated he gave them a nice wave and big grin. He only hoped the rest of his voyage wouldn't be as eventful as his first day.
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